Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Shaken and Afraid

The other night was quite and interesting one.   We spent the weekend away visiting family and had a wonderful time.  But Sunday night was difficult, both for Little A and for myself.

We had the kids off to bed by 8 o'clock which is a huge accomplishment when we are visiting family, they always have too much fun to really want to go to sleep.  The kids were sharing a room, E man in a playpen and Little A in a big girl bed, but they share at home so they had done pretty well. But Sunday night was different, Little A talked and sang for quite some time.  Then suddenly we heard sobbing and calling for mommy.

At first we thought it was E man trying to get me to come and give him another hug or something, but then I realized it was Little A and she sounded very upset. Hubby went in quickly because I was feeding the baby.

Apparently Little A saw something scary in her room.

Hubby prayed with our little princess and cuddled her until she calmed down.  Together they cast the thing out and prayed the blood of Jesus over her and the whole house.  He reminded her of how big God is, that he is always with her and that he loves her very much. Then he tucked her back in and left the room.

Shortly there after it happened again.

This time I went in and prayed with her.  But she could not calm down. She said that it wasn't leaving even after we prayed.   So I asked her what she thought we should do and she said we should pray with Grandpa and Daddy.

We all prayed again and tried to comfort my sad little girl.  The men left and Little A asked me to stay with her for a minute.  And after quite a few minutes of holding her hand while she tried to go to sleep I had to go and feed the baby.  

We got the kids to bed that night at 8 and she finally slept by 12:30 am. 

My Lovely Sisters and Myself.  ( I am the cutie in red)
The worst part of this for me was the feeling of helplessness that I had the moment I heard her cry out and say she was seeing something scary. 

I can still remember all of the horrible things that I saw while alone in that room.  We moved into the house my parents are in when I was 12 years old. But that time I had been having spiritual dreams and visions for many years and when we moved into that house they got worse. 

Around the same time as our move to the new home, my family began to work at a downtown children's church working with inner-city kids. It was a huge blessing to work with these amazing kids that were so excited to learn about Jesus' love when they were being so neglected and abused at home.  Working with those kind of kids brings a lot of hard things, the least of which was the lice that we dealt with on what felt like a weekly basis. 

The worst thing I had to handle was a little girl telling me, a little girl myself really, about how she was raped by her uncle.  Hearing things like that from the mouths of sweet children that are drowning in sorrow and hurt, that are starving for someone to love them, hearing those things breaks your heart and changes who you are.

Sunday afternoons with those kids was the hardest, most heartbreaking and rewarding thing I have ever done.  Every Sunday we started our ministry with prayer, for safety, for help to get through it, and for God to speak his message and his love to all that came.  Then we would get onto buses and go and pick up the kids from the filth that they were living in, praying as we went.  Once we got all those hundreds of children into the building we fed them physically and spiritually. It was an amazing thing to be a part of. 

Then when we were finished and finally pulled into our driveway, we would all just sit in the car for a moment, so drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually that we could not even move.  Then we would pray and we would leave the car feeling so thankful for the opportunity to speak to and love on those kids and feeling a new overflowing of the Fathers love for us and for the kids our hearts were broken for. 

The problem was that the battle never just ended after we got out of the car.   We would get out of the car and begin to fight a battle in our hearts over the next week. The enemy would send an onslaught through the week that would leave us tired and feeling like we were empty and had nothing to offer those children.  Every Sunday we would have to struggle against our selves to get back in the car to go downtown and again and again God proved faithful to be our strength and shine his love when we had nothing left to give. 

I share all of that with you because it played a huge role in what happened while alone in my room, feeling not just physically alone but spiritually alone as well.  
I can still close my eyes and see some of the horrible and frightening thing that came at me in my sleep. There was many a time when I would wake up in cold sweats from a battle I was fighting in my dreams only to find that with my eyes open they were still there, sneering and trying to fill me with fear and steal the blessings that God was giving me. 

Those "things" that were in my room as a child all came flooding back into my mind as I heard my daughter cry out. I felt me skin crawl and my stomach wretch. I was stuck somewhere between wanting to cry and wanting to run in sword and tongue set ablaze with righteous anger. 

When it was my turn to be in there with her, when she saw the scary things for the second time, I felt a crawly feeling on my skin and a sneering, familiar glare looking at me.  I was taken aback and was shaken. I was reminded of all those fears all over again and of praying and worshiping and trying to force the demons to leave.  And as I prayed with Little A I felt like a child again, a helpless child that couldn't make the "scary things" leave. The enemy was using my daughters fears to get to me and I was letting him. 

But thankfully my daughter has already learned a few things from struggles in the past. There is strength in numbers.  And that we serve a God that is always with us.  It was actually her words that pulled me from my fear filled stupor and reminded me of the God that I love and serve. 

That night we were both frightened, Little A because she saw "scary things" that she could not make go away on her own. And myself, because I was reminded of my own fears from long ago and because I realized that my little girl is going to have to fight scary battles sometimes, just like I did.  

I take comfort in knowing that I was never really alone, the enemy just wanted to make me feel that way.  I was never weak or small, I am filled with the Holy Spirit and he has already conquered death and all of the things of this world.  I would never have changed any of my childhood, attacks, battles and all. And I am comforted because I know how real God was to me because of what I struggled through as a kid. I don't want my children to have to face hardships and trails, but I know that I have never questioned the reality of my God because of the things I have seen. 

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

I am working hard on teaching the kids about the Armour of God, and reminding myself that I too need to remember to dress myself daily in that armour as well.  

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Ephesians 6:10-18

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Life in General

I am sorry that I have been so MIA lately. But life with three definitely is hectic and takes more time away from being able to blog.

Baby Joy has been such a blessing. She really is a joyful child and she started smiling and laughing within a few weeks after birth. (I know everyone always says its gas, but trust me, her gassy face looks nothing like a smile)  The big kids adore her, they are constantly trying to hold her and cuddle or kiss her.

Its funny how things change from your first to your third.  I remember trying to be so vigilant to have Little A sleeping in her crib for all her naps, with E Man it was about half as much and with Baby Joy, she is rarely in her own bed.  It is a little different for her also because Hubby is home from work so he gets to enjoy cuddling her while she sleeps and during the big kids naps the poor girl looses her bed to her big brother so that he can nap in peace.  (The big kids share a room and talk and play if they are both in it during naps)

Baby Joy has also become very used to it being loud.  With Little A the house was always very quiet while she napped since it was just me at home.  Now as we have added more children each has been exponentially more used to it.  Baby Joy can sleep through almost anything.  The other day while trying to work on some crafts during the silence of their naps, Joy kept waking up crying. Finally I turned on some worship music and she went right to sleep, the only time she seemed to stir was when the songs were quieter or when it was changing songs.

This is what a lot of our days are like lately (minus the snow),
we are loving all the family time we get to have. 
We have been doing pretty well these past 8 weeks. I cannot believe she has been with us that long, it really has flown by and when I think about it I am saddened to think it may be the last time we have a newborn.   I know that you should never decide if you are done having children while you are still dealing with a newborn, but the more we talk about it the more we feel like we may be done.   Both Hubby and I have started to feel like it will really have to be a God thing for us to have another baby.  He will either have to surprise us with a pregnancy or bless us with a child to adopt.

Neither Hubby nor I have ever really thought about adoption but while we were pregnant with Baby Joy we both started thinking of it.  And that feeling has grown stronger since having her.  I think we are still a long way from adopting a child, but it is now something that we feel God is putting on our hearts and possibly preparing us for.   ( I know it kind of seems crazy to adopt more when we already have three, but someone needs to care for them and we have enough love to offer to more than just our own children)

Anyway, I realize that this was a very random and all over the place kind of post but I thought maybe I should fill you in on some of what life has been like here in our crazy nest.  Things are calming down and becoming more normal as I get used to Baby Joys schedule and having my Hubby around 24/7. And hopefully the calming brings more time for me to take for myself and for writing.

I am always so shocked by how much I miss it when I don't blog.  I never thought I would ever blog in the first place and now I cannot imagine not writing.