Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Loosing my Marbles

Hubby and I are preparing to set out on our romantic adventure.  We are leaving the kids with my mom and sister for almost a week as we head to the Bahamas.

I am a giant ball of conflicting emotions.

My poor hubby has had his head bitten off so many times already, by the monster that he is supposed to be going on a romantic trip with and I am sure he has rethought our trip numerous times in the past few days.

It is a wonderfully romantic idea, this traveling without kids thing, but what I was not prepared for is how much of a basket case it has made me.

I am so torn between feeling like a terrible person for leaving my children for a week and feeling excited that I get to leave my children for a week.  Of course it doesn't help that Little A has known about our trip the whole time and now that it is getting so close she asks about it a handful of times everyday and always ends with asking why she cannot come along.

Our dialogue the other day went something like this:

A: Mom I really really love you.

Me: I really really love you too sweetie. To the moon and back.

A: Then why aren't I going to the Bahamas with you?

I mean really?!?  She is only 2.5 years old. Where does that even come from?
And like that doesn't break my heart enough, that was not the last time she talked like that.

I think the worst guilt I am feeling though is leaving the E man behind. He is only just over one and has rarely ever been without me. He has been going through a phase lately where he screams when I leave the room, even if he is with his dad and was happily playing, if he notices my absence, he looses it.

With little A we can explain it a bit and talk about how many sleeps we will be gone for (which I will also be counting down I am sure), but with E, there is no explaining it to him, basically his mommy and daddy will just be gone and that will be much harder for him to deal with.

To help the kids get through the craziness, my mom has graciously allowed us to control her life even more by coming down to stay at our house while we are away. (It also is great that my sister, brother-in-law and their little man are still around to help out too. It will help to add more familiar faces to the mix). Originally the plan was for the kids to go up and stay with my parents at their place. But about halfway through the summer hubby talked about cancelling the trip because of concerns of them being away from our house and in an unbabyproofed environment.  Mom, being amazing, worked things out and was able to come to our place, saving us from cancelling (but also inflicting worsening guilt and emotions because of not cancelling).

The day that we booked our trip, my stomach was in knots like I haven't felt before. There was knots the day I got married, because of the idea of a few hundred sets of eyes on me. But that was nithing compared to how I have felt about this trip since booking it. There is a bond between a mother and her kids like nothing else in the world and I have always felt horrible about being away from my kids.

Of course there are times where I am loosing my sanity and all I need is a moment to myself to be a real person outside of them where I can think and process (and use the bathroom in peace). But most often when I am away from my kids, they are sleeping. Even when I leave them home with Hubby, they are often sleeping.(this has changed a bit over the last few months now that E man is mobile and not nursing)
This was our last big trip together...4 years ago

Since booking our trip, which took a lot for me to actually click the 'enter'  key, I have been trying to become okay with the whole idea of leaving them behind.  What I keep telling myself is this:

-The kids  will be fine, they are in great hands and are in their own home and beds.

-The kids will have lots of fun, it's such a special treat to have Grandma here for a week.

-Hubby and I need this. We need time to just be us again without distractions. Time to get to know each other better again. Things always get in the way, jobs, kids, family, there are always a million distractions to keep us from really connecting how we should.

-I need this. To be a better mom and wife, I need to actually relax a little and allow my kids some space and myself some space to just be.

So as I sit here with everything ready and my stomach renching and my mind trying to avoid thinking of all the horrible things that could go wrong (which is where my mind naturally goes, one extreme to the next) my friend just messaged me. She wanted to tell me she is excited for hubby and I and how great this will be for us. How she totally knows how I am feeling in this moment, but how excited she is for how I will feel when it is done. That it will feel amazing to miss our kids so much, to get to soak in their hugs when we get home, and it will be a blessing for our marriage to have those memories of who we are together.

"You are a healthier family unit when your marriage is kept healthy"

So, dear friends, please pray for me and my hubby as we work on our marriage. Pray that I don't loose my mind tomorrow and that I actually get on the plane. Also please pray for our kids and that they are safe and barely notice we are gone.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 
Philippians 4:6

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all. 
2 Thessalonians 3:16

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 
1 Peter 5:7

Blessings and talk to you in a week!

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