Walking in Peace

A few weeks ago I had the blessing of leaving my children with a babysitter while Hubby was at work. I rarely ever do it but that day was special.  It was the day that I got to see our baby for the first time.  

I have already had the joy of hearing the cute little peanuts heart beat which has been a good strong 160 every time I have been to the doctor. But there is something about seeing the ultrasound that is so special.  

I love it.  I am usually able to just look at the screen and know exactly what it is I am looking at before the technician says anything. Hubby on the other hand just sees black and white dots and blurs and even with explanation still struggles to see it. 

The day of the ultrasound I had the E man sleeping and Little A was waiting for the sitter to come and play with her.  I hurried out to the clinic with my bladder screaming with every movement. Of course I get there and have to wait about ten more minutes of agony trying to keep my bladder from emptying itself all over their waiting room. ( For those that are unaware, your bladder needs to be very full for ultrasounds in the early months) 

Finally I get up on the little table bed thing and excitedly wait to see the little peanut. 

This is the little one. 

For the first, well, what felt like five minutes, the little one didn't move at all.  Its little heart is still too small to see pumping on the screen. It was quite nerve racking since I have been through bad ultrasounds like that before.  But finally baby moved and my eyes filled with tears. Little one was kicking and rolling and moving all over the place, it was beautiful. 

The tech (who is actually a Doctor too) continued to show me the important things, like arms, legs and its expected birth date. Baby is expected to arrive sometime around the 13th of February. 

After having a wonderful time seeing all of the wonderful parts of our little peanut he taped a clip of the  heartbeat.  There is something about that sound that gets me every time I have heard it (even after having two kids).  

Along with getting to see all of the wonderful little parts of our growing peanut, early ultrasounds can also bring the blessing or curse of knowledge.  

See, because of the scan I now know that baby is healthy and the right size for where it should be. I know that its heart is beating strong and that it is moving and squirming just like it should be. I know that my placenta looks like it is attached well.

But, I also know that I have two bleeds/clots  ( Subchorionic Hematomas) on either side of my placenta. I also know that my placenta is low and to the front which is why it can be hard to find a heartbeat when the doctor is using dopler and that I have an increased risk of Placenta Previa. 

Depending on the doctor, my new discoveries about my pregnancy could lead to taking it easy and not doing any lifting or could go as far as full bed rest. I was advised to take it easy, not lift, run, fall or be intimate until I could speak to my usual doctor and have another ultrasound to make sure things are not getting worse. 

News like this, three years ago, would have sent me into a tailspin. 

Don't get me wrong, it did rattle me a little. And as I left the ultrasound and hurried to empty my painful bladder, I struggled to hold back tears as I fought with feeling bad for myself. 

At first, my inner thoughts were strictly focused on myself and how unfair it is that I cannot just have a normal pregnancy.  Seriously, I have been pregnant 6 times and every time something went wrong.  How stupid is that?! Why can I not just be one of those lucky women who has easy pregnancies and just gets to waltz through it without pain or complications.  

Then I stopped my pity party and heard God's still small voice trying to cut through the din. The voice that I had been ignoring while I felt sorry for myself and angry with Him. 

He reminded me that He cares for this baby more than I know.  That He is the only one in control of what will happen here.  He is putting my baby together in my womb and nothing I do or say will change His plan for how this will go.   He reminded me that He is the God of HOPE and my hope can only be in Him. 

 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

I did rest and take it easy but still had to continue with my normal life. Because really with two children under 3 there is no real taking it easy.  But I know that my hope is not in my own capabilities because there is nothing saying that what I do or do not do will change anything. And because I have hope in something so much greater, the God of the universe. 

So I am choosing to walk in peace. I know that at all times we all walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we all go through hardship and pain, trials and tribulations. But we must hold onto the truth that no evil can overcome us because we walk with the Lord. He is in us and we are in Him and there is no safer place to be. 

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

    he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Psalm 23