Tuesday, 2 April 2013

The D Word

that's right, I am talking about Divorce. 
It was bound to come up sometime, since our entire population is affected by it.  

Growing up I heard my fair share of fighting from my parents.

I remember at few times when I was really young, being afraid that my parents were going to get divorced.  I would sit in my room crying while they argued and I would think about which parent I would end up with and how horrible it would be being separated.

My parents have been through a lot. They have argued and fought and have always come out on the other side stronger and more in love.  If you ask them they would likely tell you that there was really tough times in their marriage, seasons of hardship, and that there were times when they felt like they wouldn't make it through.  But if you ask them they would tell you, divorce was never an option.

My parents have set a great example for me of working on a marriage. They have shown that even when its hard, its worth too much to quit.

When Hubby and I were in marriage counseling with our pastor, we were asked to do a personality and belief test. Basically the test answers would show the places that we would argue most about, things we dont see eye to eye on and our views of marriage and marriage roles.

We were pretty equally yoked about most things and there were a few that we did not see eye to eye on but they were small issues and were things that we still haven't really had much difficulty with. The one thing that was really obvious on both of our tests was that we believe in marriage as a covenant and that it is meant to be until death. I already knew it, but it was nice to hear from the test that it was true, it is good to know that we both believe the same thing about marriage. 

One thing that we have talked about in our marriage is that divorce is not a joke.

We never make light of divorce or getting out of the marriage. 

"I am gonna make sure my next wife is wealthy."

"I am going to be sure that my next husband is a great cook."
These "jokes" are not tolerated in our marriage. They are not funny and just bring hurt and anger.

We have decided together that when we fight or argue and need space, we decide on a time frame for our distance. We never just leave the house to get away from a fight and not state when we will be back. ( Actually, we very rarely leave the house when we are upset with one another, we will take time apart in separate rooms though)

I have a friend who chooses to leave whenever she is upset, she never says where she is going, never says when she will be back.  (I can't imagine hubby ever doing that to me, so I have never done it to him) Can you imagine how it would make you feel?  Think about how horrible it would be if she was in a car accident or something. Think about the feelings of abandonment you would get from being walked out on whenever things get tough.
If space is needed, the best thing to do is to set a time and stick to it, always let them know that you still love them and that you would never leave them, you just need some time alone to think and work things through.

Our last big boundary we have set up in our marriage is that we never threaten divorce. We both believe that it is not an option, even when things seem at their worst, we know that quitting is not what we want to do, so we never use the "D word"when fighting.

 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 

Matthew 19:3-6

 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 

Matthew 19:8

But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”

Malachi 2:14-16

A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.

1 Corinthians 7:39 

 and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Mark 10:8-9 

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