Thursday, 25 October 2012

Our story...

This is a repost, just trying to figure out all the workings of the blog. Be patient with me.

This is the first part of our story.  There is a lot more to it but I will get to it when I have the time to think about those old hurts again.

Aaron and I were married December 22 of 2007. Aaron was in school when we got engaged, and was in school and doing work terms straight for 3 years.  The only time we could actually have a honeymoon was at Christmas of 2007 so we rushed our engagement and had the wedding.  We were only engaged for 2 months.

Everyone thought that I was pregnant.  I was asked all the time.  And even after we were married there were some family friends that whenever we got together would double check to see if my stomach was any larger.  I guess its hard for most people to understand why a 19 year old would marry so young and so quickly.  But I had met the love of my life, why would I want to wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

Anyway, the fall of 2009 we became pregnant. We were so excited. I had wanted to be a mother since I was a child.  When most kids are saying they want to be a ballerina or a firefighter I was saying I wanted to be a great mom.  (a good thing to aspire to, but not the answer most grade 1 teachers are looking for)

I was sick from day one. Not a "hug the toilet all day" kind of sick but the nauseous,"I think I could puke at any moment but nothing ever comes of it" kind of sick. I was having dreams about our little one and I felt an immediate connection to the tiny thing inside me. We told all of our friends and family and were so excited.

Then I had an ultrasound at 10 weeks. They doctor and ultrasound tech. seemed to think I had my dates wrong. The baby was only the size of 8 weeks, and they couldn't see the heartbeat.

That night I started to have heavy bleeding and cramping. Aaron told me that all night I was tossing and turning and groaning in pain. At 5 am I woke up and ran to the bathroom. I was in the most pain I had felt yet.  I lost the baby.

I was heartbroken. And so angry at God for taking the baby away from me.

Within two months I was pregnant again. Then after a few weeks, again, I lost the baby.

Then two months later I was pregnant again. And again after a few weeks, I lost the baby.
I was so angry with God, and I was beating myself up. Wondering what I did to make it happen, what I could have done differently, and why God was punishing me. I felt like it had to have been my fault.

I had so many people try to encourage me or make me feel like it wasn't a big deal. But I felt so attached to each of those babies, I felt the affects they had on my body and dreamed about them and what our future would be with them in it.

Each person deals with loss in a different way. I turned to God in my grief and frustration and anger.  I cried out to him, yelled at him and then turned to his words for comfort.

God met me in my brokenness, my anger, and my disappointment. He doesn't ever leave, so its okay to yell at him, its okay to tell him you are hurt. Its okay to be angry with God, he can take it. He understands what it feels like to have a precious child die.  He gets it, he understands that pain we feel and has felt worse.  He hurts when we hurt.  He is our Father and loves us as much as we love our children and more.

God knows our inmost thoughts, He knows the desires of our hearts. He formed us and has created us in his image, with emotions and feelings.

I hope that you find these verses comforting in whatever you are going through. I will post more of my story as I can find the words.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 
Romans 15:12-14

As you do not know the path of the wind,
    or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
    the Maker of all things.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish. 
How long, Lord, how long?
Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
same me because of your unfailing love. 
Psalms 6:2-4

I am worn out from my groaning. 
All night long I flood my couch with tears.
My eyes from weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes. 
Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping/ 
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
 the Lord accepts my prayer. 
Psalms 6:6-9

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,     and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5,6

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